answers

It’s only been a week and I haven’t made much more peace with any of this. I haven’t been able to wrap my head around the fact that the cycle is starting again. That the doctor’s appointments, medication changes, and tests are going to start again.

Everytime I try to tell myself that everything will be fine, my mind goes right back to last Monday, when my roommate rolled me onto my side and potentially saved my life.

I can’t help but think about what would happen if that happened when I was alone. I know that there are so many people out there that don’t know seizure first aid. My friends and family know how to help, but at (what feels like) a big university, it’s nerve wracking that I don’t know a lot of the people around me.

Friends and family have come to me asking if I’m okay. Telling me that they’re here if I need anything. As much as I appreciate that more than anything, there’s really nothing that anyone can say or do about any of this.

I guess I can’t really expect there to be any answers right now. I keep waiting for it to pass. Just for one second, I want to not be nervous. I want to stop being so insanely paranoid. But I don’t see that happening anytime soon. Not with the way my brain is working right now. I have no sense of calm right now.

I have so many questions and so little answers. Starting with: what would have happened if my roommate weren’t there? She responded immediately and she did everything she could to make sure I was safe. There is a decent chance that she really saved me.

What caused the seizure? I’ve avoided my triggers. I have been so careful in the past 10 months and I was so confident in the fact that it would, most likely, never happen again. Why did this one come this time? Was it because of my medication adjustments? If so, how do I know if or when they are finally right?

How will I move past the fear? Who knows. I’ve done it twice in the past. I’ve pushed through it and created a new normal for myself. This time, I’m stumped. I have no idea how I’ll move past it this time, when there’s no rhyme or reason for anything anymore. There’s no way for me to prevent it from happening.

But, most importantly, will it happen again? Next time, will I get help in time? Will it be when I’m lying on my stomach? Will I stop breathing? Will it last for over 5 minutes and cause severe brain damage or worse?

To all of these questions, I have no answers. I can only hope that they have uplifting answers, but I will truly never know until the answers come to fruition.

There’s no way you’re going to know why things happen, what’s going to happen, or when things will get better. But the answers lie in the days that lie ahead, just be patient.

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