As I sit here and reflect over the past month or so, I’m trying to think of something that I could say to reach someone. Something that someone can relate to. Any person, really. I know I’ve talked about my epilepsy a million times. That’s been incredibly cathartic. I know that it will be again, next time I decide to share something about it.
But this week has been different. My roommate and I are struggling to find housing for next year because of my medical limits and my body is beyond exhausted from the absence of carbs. I’m really missing ice cream right about now.
But, I’ve realized that I’m starting to get less angry. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the limits I now have, still trying to adjust to a change that began a year and a half ago. But I’ve seen so many horrible things happen to so many people lately – truly tragic losses that make me feel lucky.
It’s not easy – I didn’t go from 0 to 100. And some days I’m still angry. A lot of times I’m still angry. I’ve been angry for a while now, trying to figure out what happened, why everything changed so quickly, and why this hasn’t been solved yet. But sometimes, especially later, I just take a few minutes to think about how lucky I am. Not only do I have so many loved ones in my life, but they are exactly what I need.
In the dead of night, first thing in the morning, as soon as I receive good news, or bad, for that matter, they’re the people I want to go to. I have those people here with me, at all times. Some lose those people for them, and I hope to God that I have my people with me always. Watching multiple people suffer tragic losses of their loved ones lately has made me truly realize how lucky I am.
Over the course of my time writing this blog, I have written about how grateful I am to have multiple people in my life, my best friends, family, parents, boyfriend, everyone. I can’t imagine losing any of those people.
There’s a thing about state of mind that is so important. You might be in all different ones. And that’s okay. Each day is different and each moment changes, so no one is expecting you to keep a 100% consistent positive attitude. If nothing else, simply because they can’t do so themselves.
Honestly, I’m not even sure where I was going with this. I’ve been in such a weird place, going back and forth with adjustment after adjustment, trying to figure out what place I’m in and how I feel about it. Some days it’s frustration, some days it’s curiosity, and others it’s just so damn lucky.
I think it’s okay for everything to fluctuate. To feel the moments you’re in, even if they’re negative. To take a minute to look around at everything and everyone around you and take in your surroundings. To determine what is best for you. The best place to be, where, and when. And when you’re in that place, try to stay there.