Do you ever have a time when everything is just going really well?
In the past few weeks, I got my driving privileges back and I got my dream internship. Two things for which I have been waiting for what seems like an eternity for.
Finally bringing my car back up to Connecticut has actually been liberating (much more so than it ever has been). Finally not having to ask my friends for favors when I need to go somewhere. Having the opportunity to go to the store when I want something. Generally just knowing that I’m able to go where I want when I want to. Finally not feeling as limited by epilepsy. It feels just as exciting than when I first turned 17, leaving the DMV with my driver’s license after my driving test. Maybe even more so. It feels kind of silly to be so excited about something that should be a given at my age, but that’s what limitations do. And I guess I can count that as an upside to all of this.
I’ve woken up the past few days wondering how it’s possible that I feel like I have all I could possibly want right now. We just moved into a beautiful new apartment, I have a great family, amazing friends, loving boyfriend, amazing job, what feels like a good medication solution, and a busy and productive senior year to look forward to. But epilepsy is a disorder that pushes mental limits. Everything is always questionable. Anything can happen at any time. I could wake up on the floor right now, wondering where I am and what happened to me with a nasty head injury. I think that’s the hardest part of all of it – trying to figure out where the next blow is going to come from.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt like it’s really all coming together – which begs the question: what’s next? It feels like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop – which I kind of am. When is the next seizure going to come? Am I going to lose my license again? Maybe my job will fall through? Or maybe I’ll get into a car accident.
I know it sounds bleak. It totally is bleak. It’s one of the harsher realities of all of this. And I’m sure a lot of people struggle with this, too, epilepsy or not. Feeling like it’s too good to be true is kind of confusing, because you’re being tugged in two directions. One part of me is trying to be on guard for the next thing, and the other is trying to bask in the victories of right now. Which could be fleeting, or could last longer than I think it will.
Without realizing it, I’ve trained my myself to expect the worst. Every time I took a minute and really thought I was seizure free, it happened again. And again. I got my hopes up that everything was fine until it wasn’t. I can’t have that again. So I’m preparing myself now.
It’s a habit I need to break. It prevents me from fully feeling what is really happening now. A friend recently told me that being scared isn’t going to change what’s coming for us. And she’s completely right. I know that. It’s just hard to get out of that headspace.
With that said, it being difficult isn’t really a great excuse for not trying to fix it. It’s time to try. I am confident in my medication dosage, and there is no reason for anything to go wrong. If it does, it does. If I crash my car tomorrow, I crash my car tomorrow. Things happen, and they can happen to anyone, not just a person with epilepsy. I’ve been boxing myself way too much lately.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still ecstatic. And I’m feeling so blessed. But there shouldn’t be one thing in my way of that.
Have you ever felt that way? How did you get yourself out of it? Or were you not able to? Let me know. Maybe it’ll help us both.