The concept of getting back behind the wheel has felt like freedom. For real. It feels like a weight have been lifted off my shoulders – a weight I was very hyper-aware of. It’s liberating. But there’s also a part of me that doesn’t want to. A small part. I’m so scared. I’ve really been struggling lately.
I have really worked to get over a lot of the anxiety I experience that is associated with epilepsy. I was okay. I was all ready to get behind the wheel, and I was over-romanticizing it all in my head, thinking it was going to be this piece of cake. I’ve been viewing driving as being the thing that will make me feel normal again, which was pretty much all wrong. My independence makes me feel normal again, but the physical act of driving has me all out of sorts.
I’m a good driver, and I’m confident that I have the skills to drive safely. But, I don’t trust my brain, or my meds, or my disorder.
Even though there are a lot of things I can do to avoid seizing behind the wheel (or seizing in general, really), there’s always going to be the chance that it can still happen. In that case, there’s nothing I can do. I’m doing all I can, and it still just doesn’t feel like enough, which seems to be how it always goes with this.
I know that there’s always a chance of anything bad happening. A car crash can happen at any time, for any reason, to any person. I know that it’s totally safe for me to drive because I’m stable and I’m okay for now (knock on wood). But, I can’t stop imagining what would happen if I wasn’t. I can’t take the thought of putting someone else on the road in danger over something they can’t control.
I saw my doctor yesterday and he recommended I try anxiety meds, which is literally the last thing I want to try. I’m sick of bottles of pills labeled with that I can’t pronounce and nasty side effects.
I’m going to let all of that sit because I have to just process right now. I know that an answer isn’t going to just come easily. I know it’s going to be an uphill trek, and this is going to be something that I can work on that will one day hopefully become permanent. I’m going to trust that someday soon, I’ll be able to get behind the wheel and feel more confident and secure than I do now. It’s just another thing to work through, just like the rest. I’ve done that before. It wasn’t easy, but I worked through all of it. And I’m okay.
I have some sorting of my own to do this week, but I can’t wait to report back next Wednesday on my first few days at NBC because I START ON MONDAY!
I’m sorry that I don’t have anything inspiring to share this week. Sometimes, we all just need to take a minute to process. Everything is going to be okay.